Now That Cupid Shot At Me… | 81 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes

Valentine’s Day can be a cause for humor just as much as love, affection and all that other serious stuff.

Below are some quotes for those, whether involved or single, who may want to present or view Valentine’s Day from a more comical perspective.

Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes

Funny Quotes About Being Single on Valentine’s Day
Funny Valentine’s Quotes for your Wife

Funny Valentine’s Quotes for Him

Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes

If I knew true love was going to be like this, when Cupid shot at me I would have defended myself and shot back.
In my heart, I truly love Valentine’s Day, but it seems my bank account hates the damn out of it.
My sweetheart dumped me a short time ago, so this Valentine’s Day I will truly celebrate.

My partner is very hard to please and often does not appreciate the things I do for her, so this year I decided to buy a Valentine’s Day gift for myself.

This year, I made up my mind to show my sweetheart how I truly feel by buying her a bouquet of poison ivy.
I want you to live a long, healthy life that I may partake of your love for decades to come. Owing to that, this Valentine’s Day I bought you some broccoli instead of chocolate.

I would rather sacrifice today and make you happy rather than sacrifice the next year explaining to you why I didn’t.

Funny Valentine's day quote on image with dog to send to your love or share on social media. — Be my Valentine.

I’m not gay or anything, but I would rather spend Valentine’s Day in the Los Angeles Lakers’ locker room than at dinner with my girlfriend.
I love teddy bears and chocolate, but this Valentine’s I am more looking forward to squeezing and devouring you!

This Valentine’s Day, I wish to take you to the secret place of our love – that private abode that is only known to your heart and mine – and leave you there while I go out and watch a basketball game.

Buying the current victim of your affections a gift for Valentine’s Day is a lot like investing in the stock market.
I really wanted to get my special someone a gift this Valentine’s Day, but then all the other special someones would get jealous.

You can say more on Valentine’s Day with a box of chocolates and a kind word than you can with just a kind word.
I would rather be locked in a cage with a hungry lion and no weapon to defend myself than locked in a room with my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day and no gift to present to her.
I am more convinced that Cupid is the god of gambling than the god of love.

As an uncaring master deals with his slave, so shall my girlfriend deal with me if I don’t do her right this Valentine’s Day.
As a turkey fears Thanksgiving, so is my concern for Valentine’s Day.
If you want to see some good old-fashioned bare-knuckle boxing, come to my house this Valentine’s Day after my wife realizes I didn’t buy her any gift.

This beautiful Valentine’s Day, may you be carried away on the wings of Cupid to that special place which is not here.

If Cupid ever needed a second job, I’m sure he could get one as a comedian.
Since falling in love with you, I’ve come to the conclusion that February 14th should rather be referred to as “Boxing Day”.

Funny Valentine's day message to share with the one. — Happy Valentine’s Day. You stole my heart.

Funny Quotes About Being Single on Valentine’s Day

This Valentine’s Day, I bought the most expensive box of chocolates I ever had in my entire life, and I plan on enjoying each and every one of them.
I like being single on Valentine’s Day as it doesn’t put a strain on my pocket. Happy Valentine’s Day to all the single guys out there!
Hmm. Whatever I did in my past life must have been so terrible for God to reward me with singlehood this Feast of Saint Valentine.

Sad that you are single on Valentine’s Day? Look at the brighter side. At least you don’t have to buy any expensive gifts for anyone.
This year, for Valentine’s Day, I am buying all of my friends an arrow-proof vest.
Even if I don’t receive the kind of love and admiration that any adult would appreciate on Valentine’s Day, I hope I am at least blessed with some good old fashioned s*x.

Since Saint Valentine himself didn’t have a girlfriend, shouldn’t this holiday be a celebration of singlehood?

This Valentine’s Day, I finally decided to surprise my sweetheart with a present, but I’m having a difficult time getting advice on the perfect gift for a robot.
If Valentine’s Day is part of the establishment, then you can consider me a member of the resistance.

As sweets that rot the teeth, so does Valentine’s Day induce vexation in my soul.
The happiest Valentine’s days I ever had were when I was a child and didn’t know anything about romantic love.
I don’t know whether Valentine’s Day should be declared a national holiday or a national state of emergency.

I really wanted to spend this Valentine’s Day with my special someone, but I think somebody already booked that stripper for the night.
I was hoping to spend this Valentine’s Day with the woman that I love, but I believe Kim Kardashian is already taken.
Where I come from, if a man ran around naked shooting arrows at lovers, he would probably be considered gay.

I am convinced the foundation of Valentine’s Day lies in a conspiracy conjured up by a powerful, global secret society made up only of women.
Some people have so many Valentines that they should hire a personal assistant just for that day.

No matter what date of the year I may actually die on, I would like my funeral to be held on Valentine’s Day.

From an economic standpoint, being single is the most profitable way to spend Valentine’s Day.
There is a part of me that dies every Valentine’s Day I spend alone, or more accurately perhaps I should say dies laughing.
Valentine’s is the day of the year I remember my ex the most. As a result of that, I have decided to refer to it as Halloween.

The only time I feel like I am being punished for being free is on Valentine’s Day.
I will admit that Valentine’s Day dinners are sweet, but when you’re single the food still tastes the same.
People ask if I am going to spend this Valentine’s Day with the love of my life, but I told them this year I will just send my mother a card.

Funny Valentine’s Quotes for your Wife

Honestly I do deserve, indeed am looking forward to, some sound slaps for waiting this long to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day, but I’m just hoping it won’t be to my face!

I’m sorry I missed the boat in getting these Valentine’s greetings to you sooner, but I still hope to be able to dock on the shores of your love.
Thank goodness that Valentine’s Day is more about the precious love between a man and a woman than it is about punctuality.

If wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day, even though I’m late as hell, is wrong, then I don’t want to be right!
May your Valentine’s Day be laced with beautiful pink ribbons, and may those ribbons also be laced to make you forget that I’m late.
This Valentine’s Day, I wanted to get you a bouquet of fresh roses, but unfortunately I just remembered to plant them last week.

Earlier today someone asked me the simple question of why I love you so much, but I elaborated on your loveliness for such a long duration that I am only now arriving.
I am so sorry for these late Valentine’s kisses that if they ever build a time machine I will use it just to come back to this day and deliver them earlier.
The thing I appreciate the most about a last-minute Valentine is that at least I don’t have to experience this type of anxiety again for another year.

Even though this gift may not be punctual, I hope that it is still accepted, effective and functional. Happy Valentine’s Day.
I hope this gift is not coming too late this Saint Valentine’s Day because I really need to be with you tonight!
I wanted this Valentine’s Day to be your most-thrilling ever, which is why I waited all the way until the very last minute to get you this gift!

I had lovingly handpicked every single piece of chocolate held within this precious Valentine’s box, which is why I am a little bit late.
It is with tears of both sorrow and joy that I present to you this last-minute Valentine’s Day message – sorrow because I couldn’t get it to you during a more convenient hour, and joy that at least I won’t be getting my a*s kicked.
This February 14th, I realized just how much you are a woman of class, as I haven’t felt this much pressure to complete an assignment on time since grade school.

This year, I decided to follow the lead of Saint Valentine himself and send you this missive of my love during the final hour, in hopes that I too won’t be executed soon afterwards.
Sorry I am late dear, but I made a break for freedom, only to be captured by the love police and brought back here.

The good news is that despite being a little behind schedule I was still able to get this Valentine’s gift to you today, but the bad news is that I had to quit my job to do so.

I waited until the last minute to visit on this fabulous Valentine’s Day so that I would have an excuse to be with you this late night!
Sorry I am late, my dear, but I was with my other Valentine – as my mom and I can chat for hours.

Funny Valentine's day quote. — I love you berry much.

Funny Valentine’s Quotes for Him

This Val’s Day wish was meant to reach you earlier, but it seems Cupid got delayed by those bastards at the TSA. Happy Valentine’s Day, dear.

I am sorry if I am just wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day during the eleventh hour, but I promise to make it up to you during the twelfth!
If you are even slightly bothered by the fact that these Valentine’s Day wishes are coming late, then I’m really thankful that you’re not a woman.
If you start crying because of the lateness of these Val’s Day greetings, then for Christmas I’ll be sure to buy you a bra and some panties.

This beautiful February 14th, may my heart intimately whisper to yours ‘sorry that I’m late’.
The lovebirds lost their course today, but I’m thankful that they still arrived on time.
I appreciate that you are not like my other, more-sensitive boyfriend, who actually gets offended by last-minute Valentine’s Day wishes.

I had a real reasonable excuse as to why my Valentine’s greetings are late, but on this special day, the only lying I want to do is in your arms.
I am so sorry that I am a bit late this Valentine’s Day, honey, but I thought it was a leap year.
I would rather arrive unfashionably late than to let you spend Valentine’s Day alone.

The thing that makes Valentine’s Day so special is that if you wait until the very last minute you can get up to an 80 percent discount on a gift for your loved one.
There is no time, distance or lateness that can separate my heart from yours this Valentine’s Day.
I would cross the ocean to get to your love on Valentine’s Day, which explains why I was not able to get to you earlier.

No matter how angry I may be, Cupid always finds his way into my heart on Valentine’s Day, though this year he arrived a little bit late.
I knew you would be a little upset knowing my Valentine’s Day wish is late, but I figured that would pale in comparison when you find out that my period is also.
I wanted the memories of this glorious Saint Valentine’s Day to last you for a lifetime, so I figured subtracting a few hours from that total wouldn’t be such a big deal.